suicide tw/// | gaylukes

replied to your

dude its super comforting to know other people who feel this way, don’t worry about a long reply. i totally feel u on the “channeling your mental illness” stuff, like…..cool, some people can turn their Bad Feelings into art, other people (me, maybe you) explode outwards, fuck up my friendships, and shut down emotionally. i feel like there’s a huge lack of support for mentally ill artists and writers who have issues with jealousy (½)

@smolskey replied to your post : …

(2/2) because most people Just Don’t Get It. It’s not just “i’m upset that that person is better than me,” its complete utter despair over knowing that someone younger than you/your own age can be so much more advanced. i’ve been struggling with this my entire life and (suicide tw) it’s probably the biggest reason i’ve been suicidal since i was 11.

I think the lack of support is due to non-artists inability to understand the unique form of jealousy that it is which is…. weird? Because it’s almost entirely related to mental illness (except in non MI artists but I think they experience it differently than we do) but no one wants to look at the unique ways mentally ill artists deal with jealousy. I guess because it’s such a niche group and pretty tiny compared to the population of non-artist MI ppl that they don’t bother looking into it. IDK. But I would really like some support for it too.

And yeah honestly most of my problems all stem from this. It’s about not being good enough and that translates into my low self worth stemming from how I don’t have a cool art job that is fun and pays well or don’t have an internship or a degree when there are people younger than me that do and are so much more talented. And then again there’s no WOW THEYRE SO YOUNG AND TALENTED AND ACCOMPLISHED GOOD FOR THEM! I mean I am happy for them bc theyre living my dream but also it’s just. Anger at myself. And jealousy.

My bad feelings end up in me shutting down too. Besides tumblr posts I just hide from everyone. I ignore my friends and stop talking to them and then turn around and get sad I don’t have more friends lmao. It’s such a fucked up cycle and it’s all about the art. And my past couple of attempts have been because of this too and you have all my sympathy for that I know what that’s like.