@smolskey @meimagino
i’m so glad you guys relate to my salt i feel less alone thank you
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@smolskey replied to your post :
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dude its super comforting to know other people who feel this way, don’t worry about a long reply. i totally feel u on the “channeling your mental illness” stuff, like…..cool, some people can turn their Bad Feelings into art, other people (me, maybe you) explode outwards, fuck up my friendships, and shut down emotionally. i feel like there’s a huge lack of support for mentally ill artists and writers who have issues with jealousy (½)
@smolskey replied to your post : …
(2/2) because most people Just Don’t Get It. It’s not just “i’m upset that that person is better than me,” its complete utter despair over knowing that someone younger than you/your own age can be so much more advanced. i’ve been struggling with this my entire life and (suicide tw) it’s probably the biggest reason i’ve been suicidal since i was 11.
I think the lack of support is due to non-artists inability to understand the unique form of jealousy that it is which is…. weird? Because it’s almost entirely related to mental illness (except in non MI artists but I think they experience it differently than we do) but no one wants to look at the unique ways mentally ill artists deal with jealousy. I guess because it’s such a niche group and pretty tiny compared to the population of non-artist MI ppl that they don’t bother looking into it. IDK. But I would really like some support for it too.
And yeah honestly most of my problems all stem from this. It’s about not being good enough and that translates into my low self worth stemming from how I don’t have a cool art job that is fun and pays well or don’t have an internship or a degree when there are people younger than me that do and are so much more talented. And then again there’s no WOW THEYRE SO YOUNG AND TALENTED AND ACCOMPLISHED GOOD FOR THEM! I mean I am happy for them bc theyre living my dream but also it’s just. Anger at myself. And jealousy.
My bad feelings end up in me shutting down too. Besides tumblr posts I just hide from everyone. I ignore my friends and stop talking to them and then turn around and get sad I don’t have more friends lmao. It’s such a fucked up cycle and it’s all about the art. And my past couple of attempts have been because of this too and you have all my sympathy for that I know what that’s like.
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@writing-in-a-daydream it is literally the worst…
if it helps i feel the exact same way, depression has completely destroyed how i perceive my own work and i pretty much hate everything i make, and i resent other ppl my age who are better than me and it’s made me a very unpleasant bitter person, so i hope that you and the other commenter can one day experience some relief for that feeling and be happy with your creations, cause everyone deserves to have pride in their work
Holy fuck this came out long I’m sorry. I relate to your reply so much though. Over the past 6 years illness turned me from someone who was depressed but still moderately happy, into someone severely mentally ill and cynical and resentful of everyone better than me. And instead of being inspired by people who are better I just remember how low level my skills are and how not up to par I am with others my age. Like the FIRST thing I do when I see art on tumblr that I like a lot is look for the artists’ age to see if I can allow myself to be inspired or not. If they’re the same age or younger then nope. Only cynicism. Only bitterness. It’s horrible and feeling that way makes me feel so ugly.
Hell I just saw two calarts student blogs one of which belonged to an 18 yo and one that belonged to a 19 yo and did this really ugly laugh like “wow I really need to just give up art, the world doesnt need my garbage when there are people who are so much better and so much younger”
And then there’s this way of associating artists (and writers) with mental illness and how “oh they channel it into their art!” yeah I don’t do that. And when I do it’s not anything good or worth posting.
A friend of mine reminded me that mental illness or not, different people are in different situations and everyone deals with life events differently. And idk what your situation is but I’m telling you too anyway because I relate to your reply so hard. And it’s that when you combine mental illness, being trans, autism, parental divorce during a very sensitive and critical developmental age, having one or more shitty parents, being physical sick, a family history of drug and alcohol problems, and moving out of your childhood home, it makes sense that you might not be where everyone else is at! And that’s ok! Except I still don’t think any of that justifies me being so far behind….. so. Lol.
It wouldn’t be as big a deal if this wasn’t what I wanted to do for a living and it was just a hobby but it IS what I want to do. Hell idek what to say. I could talk about this forever honestly. I’ve gotten so bitter and hateful and pessimistic over every aspect of life that I don’t even think I should bother some times. I’ll never be on the level I was, I’ll never be at the level I should be. I really hope you’re able to love your art someday. It’s so fucking hard to love yourself and I’m sorry you have to deal with that feeling as well. For what it’s worth, I love your art style and your coloring. I think it’s very appealing and your lines work well with the way you color too.
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